Ryan (im_in_disguise) wrote in theunarmedm1nd,
Ryan
im_in_disguise
theunarmedm1nd

I just had a prompt in my intermediate fiction class where I had to find a bizarre headline (x) and a bizarre obituary one liner (y) and then start a story that begins somewhere along the lines of because of x, y...

needless to say, this is cracked out and amusing.

Cap'n Hook and the Crackodile No-Pants Party

Because thieves stole a baby crocodile and more than 50 snakes and lizards from an Australian wildlife park, a southern Indiana man died soon after swallowing several small bags of methamphetamine as a sheriff’s deputy was pulling his car over. Jesus Christ, look at you staring at me all glassy-eyed. It happened. I was fucking there, okay? You think I could make shit like that up? No pal, listen, it goes like this:

You heard about all that Columbian drug shit, right? Homemade submarines with fucking air holes shipping three tons of cocaine and jack like that? Bastards are getting smarter. So why not crocodiles, you dig? Real to life Peter Pan shit, only instead of a ticking clock, let’s stuff the fucking alligator full of crack.

So I might have been a little drunk at the time. I don’t even live in Indiana, but Al was stoned out of his mind and he had the car keys, so we were there. Never mind the details, we were just a couple of normal guys blowing off some steam on the weekend. It makes sense. But yeah, we’re in Indiana for God knows why and Al is pulling up to a street light that isn’t even there and that’s when we decide maybe it’s a good idea to stop somewhere and eat something so we pulled into Denny’s. Fucker love’s Denny’s.

Anyway, we come in and we’re sitting at a table across from this squirrelly guy who’s not even touching his Grand Slam™. The TV is on way too loud and I’m still hammered and Al is cursing the commie bastards who wrote the menu in Spanish when really he’s just holding it upside down. Al gave up after a moment and took to staring at Mr. Fidgety in the corner while some asshole on ABC is yapping about some other assholes on the other side of the fucking planet who stole some zoo animals and that’s when I see what Al sees. Squirrelly man psycho nut job is sitting there sweating bullets as we stare him down because his guilty conscious can’t handle the news report AND the condoms filled with speed wedged up his ass. And oh man, we know his secrets. All of them.

Now the dude’s afraid. He knows we know, and he knows we got civic duties to uphold. He knows that those shows about drug busts and crocodiles eating baby deer on the discovery channel are extra cool when you’re fucking drunk and stoned out of your mind, and he sees we’re getting some good ideas. So dude decides to hightail it out of there and Al has already lost interest because there’s an uneaten Grand Slam™ sitting at the guy’s table that he wants, but I got the instincts of an upright and well-to-do citizen. I slap Al in the back of the head while he’s chowing down on soggy toast and cold bacon and tell him he’s got no sense of responsibility and to think of the fucking alligators before I go stumbling out into the parking lot to do some genuine batman vigilante shit just because I’m a good guy and I like Australia even though I never been there.

So I get out there and bastard is fighting cheap and dirty. He can tell I’m still working off the half a box of wine I had a couple hours before and he can tell I’m moving a little slower than my normal sharp self so he’s already made it to his car and he’s pulling out of the fucking parking lot. I get one chance to make all the fucking difference in the world because the dumb-ass is waiting to turn left and there’s this busted up chunk of asphalt sitting in a pothole next to my feet and it’s the only thing I got, so I human catapult that sucker like in the iron man competitions Al sometimes watches on TV and I smash that son of a bitch’s left brake light right as he pulls out. But the fucker still got away.

At that point I started feeling pretty sick and all I really remember is crying and puking in the pothole while I shook my fists at the sky and swore at God for not saving the alligators and I felt like I had let Australia down. Somewhere in the midst of all that though, I hear a roller flip his sirens and I see the lights as he turns a corner at the intersection that douchebag pulled into and he catches him pants down and popping meth with a broken tail light.

***

this is still in the rough, but I hope you get a kick out of it.
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